11 • Fidel Vazquez Jiménez
••• This is for my father, my dad, my viejito. Forever in my heart.
He passed away last October, the 12th, in what felt like the last drop of pure energy left inside his body; my body; our bodies. I held onto his hand, routing all my energy and devotion into helping him make that ultimate transition. I could almost feel a stream of light passing through.
And just like that, in a matter of no more than a second, he was gone… and it was all over.
No more clear purpose, something to focus on, no more of that meaning that kept me going for the past 13 years.
Tears became gas, pain became the engine.
During those last two years, I put almost everything aside in order to fulfill my role, to really be there for him, for my mom and for myself. I put aside my art and I also put aside many parts of me that made who I am. Yoga was one of the things keeping me sane and my family gave me the love and support that still keeps on my feet today.
Now, for the past year (2022), I’ve been pretending to take care of myself, in a pretty shitty way to be honest. Got back into my roots, my inner stubborn teenager and his unsung immaturity. A kiddo hidden inside the perfect place, nowhere to be seen: behind my smile, my tears, my doubts and every single moment of failure. A bunch of months in reclusion and loneliness filled with lots of weed, lots of tantrums, self-doubt and mistreats.
Today. I finally feel like I am walking towards the path to closure, I visualize the end of a road I honestly don’t think will ever be over, but instead, it is one that I’ve never walked on. The path ahead is unknown, there’s no pavement, no road, no limits. Just a long, sunny -and quite dry- open field. Full of dirt, weeds and those tiny seemingly harmless rocks that turn incredibly hurtful when they get stuck in one’s shoe; and, of course, some sweet earthly delights.
So this piece comes to represent closure. The dualities of life and death, youth and old ange, health and sickness, the beginning and the end. So, as dualities dictate, it also represents a brand new start, a new endeavor. Letting go and, by itself, letting in. Taking back the light that used to be mine and let it fill me once more. Pulse by pulse. Thought by thought. Step by step.
I want to thank you for being there, thank you for believing. A whole and meaningful: Thank you.