11 • Dualities of life facing up to each other
••• For the first piece inside the Figital People series, I focused my efforts into representing the dualities of existence. Life and death, youth and old age. The beginning and the end. Forever inter-connected, forever part of the same phenomenon.
Forever in my heart.
For those of you who don’t know, I spent two years of my life (2020-2021) alongside my mother and, later on, my eldest brother; serving as caregivers for my father throughout his last stages of prostate cancer.
My viejito passed away during last October, the 12th, in what felt like the final breath of pure energy left inside his body. My body. Our bodies. I held onto his hand, routing my full energy and devotion into helping him make that ultimate transition. I could almost feel a stream of light passing through.
And just like that, in a matter of no more than a second, he was gone… and it was all over.
No more purpose, nothing to focus on, no more of that meaning that kept me going for the past two years. Adding up to the previous 11 years of doing ‘this and that’ for the sake of making him proud. It pains me to say I failed in almost every way, except my unconditional love.
During those last two years, I put almost everything aside in order to fulfill my role, to really be there for him. I put aside my art and I also put aside many parts of me that make who I am today. Doing yoga was the one thing keeping me sane and meditation gave the strength I needed to keep going. Tears became gas, pain became the motor.
Now, for the past year (2022), I’ve been pretending to take care of myself, in a pretty shitty way to be honest. Got back into my roots, my inner stubborn child and his unsung immaturity. A reclusive and solitary number of months filled with lots of weed, lots of tantrums, self-doubt and mistreats.
Today. I finally feel like I am walking the path to closure, I visualize the end of a road I honestly don’t think will ever be over, but instead, one that is not paved anymore. The path ahead is unknown, there’s no pavement, no road, no limits. Just a long, sunny and quite dry open field. Full of dirt, weeds and those tiny seemingly harmless rocks that turn incredibly hurtful if they get stuck in one’s shoe; and, of course, some sweet earthly delights.
So this piece comes to represent closure. And as dualities dictate, it also represents a new beginning, a new endeavor. Letting go and, by itself, letting in. Taking in the light that used to be mine and let it come back to fill me once more.
Thank you for being there, thank you for believing. Wholly: Thank you.